If you don't want to read something that is not very uplifting, then you probably will want to sit this one out. This is one of those gloomy blog entries that I sometimes do, you know, trying to make sense of things.
Now you've been warned, the last few months have been really hard for me and if I could pinpoint one reason, I probably wouldn't be able to. Hell, I don't even understand it. Perhaps by the end of this and some self-reflection, I can understand myself a little better.
In particular, my work life has been rough and it's all be accumulating to be a very messy hoard. All of these little things seem to be piling up and festering. It's gotten really bad lately. Over the last week, I've had some of the worst shifts in my life when I feel like I am completely blindsided. There is a certain medical environment that I work in and well, that has brought me a bit of comfort. I've been having to change work areas lately and I feel totally unprepared for it. I start telling myself that maybe it's because I'm really dumb. I can be so hard on myself sometimes, and I think a lot of my work colleagues have seen this. I know realistically I am not supposed to know everything about anything health-related. That is so hard for me to accept. I hate that I don't have ALL the answers or know everything. It's something that I struggle with on almost every shift I work. It makes me feel like I've done a really terrible job at the end of the shift--and it hurts. My sleep and mood get affected by this deeply.
I have really been struggling with this to the point that it has started to affect many aspects of my life. Negative thoughts slip in and out of my head.
My relationship has begun to suffer as well. I do not really talk to my partner about what's bothering me and I probably should. But he's going through a lot himself and I haven't been able to support him as much as I could. I am trying to do a bit better now because I know we're both a little bit of a mess.
Usually, I'm pretty good at picking myself up off the ground when I get down, but it's getting a lot harder. It's harder for me to muster up the courage to go into work and when I do, I come across as not very confident. I've taken the last several days off trying to do something to make me feel better but nothing has stuck long-term.
I'm feeling a little better today, I guess. I'm trying to be nicer to myself. I'm sitting back on the couch watching dashcam videos of terrible drivers and drinking a vanilla Pepsi and saying goofy stuff to my dog. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for when I need to go back to work. I'm not really AFRAID to go back, but I think perhaps working in several facilities isn't doing me any favours. I'm going to try to find a job where I don't need to do this so I can focus on one area of healthcare instead of five or more.
I guess that's what I need to say. I'm struggling mentally at the moment. I don't particularly like myself for feeling weak, but sometimes we have to accept this weakness and fix it. I hope fixing it this time won't take long. It's been like this for a few weeks. I don't like it but it's also not about "snapping out of it". It's really not that easy. It's a gradual process and I will find my way.
Anyway, that's what I had to say. I'm not sure if it makes logical sense, but it's the way I process things. I know I'm not horrible. I know that work shouldn't dictate how I feel about myself but it's hard. It's hard getting past the need to be better when no goal posts have been set. That's the hard bit.
That's it from me. I don't know who will read this nor do I really care. If you do come across this though, please know everything isn't awful. It may look that way sometimes, but it's not. Find some joy in life. My favourite thing to do is just to go outside and look at plants, people walking--just life happening and seeing the beauty within.